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I FIGURE - A Deep Thought's Inspiration

The following pieces started from issues of 'Your General Letter Quarterly'. They were originally inspired by Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts from Saturday Night Live. We hope you find them to be humorous. They are random thoughts that we felt if shared, could only make this world, a more beautiful place to be.

Thought we would throw in a few of our favorite Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy just to wet your comedy whistle.
You will find our 'I Figure' additions below these gems from Mr. Handy.

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

Jack Handy Deep Thought  - “If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.”

Here are some of our own mostly Original humorous quotes, deep thoughts, and odd musings about the strange world we live in. Hope you find something there to tickle your funny bones. If you have more than one that is to say.

I FIGURE -  I would be happier if I found myself in more predicaments in which I get to use the word predicament. - JestaFreak

I FIGURE -  It's a good idea to teach a child right off the bat that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.  ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE -  Mom was right when she said there is nothing I couldn't do If I just set my mind to it. She prolly coulda warned me though that I wouldn't be any good at most of it. (HOWLER)

I FIGURE -  No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.  ( Alpha Phail )

I FIGURE -  I am a poor excuse for a husband who has ever only offered to wash my wifes back for her like 20 times in our 5 years of marriage. But ya know some of them 20 times it weren't me what made a mess of it.  (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - The only thing a seventy year old woman keeps betwixt her breasts is her navel.   ( Lane Smythe )

I FIGURE -  I need someone to write me a song called 'Dying in the key of 'C'' I just think it would be cool to have a song called that. Doesn't matter what key it's in I suppose. I would settle for a song called 'Dying at the KFC' if that's all you could manage.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - The reason the dancers at the totally nude nudey bar aren't allowed to do the splits is on account of the bouncers is tired of having to slide them to the edge of the stage to get 'em stood back up. ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE -  when the wife complains that her close don't fit on account of how much weight she lost it is never a good course of action to offer to make her a butter and mayonnaise sammich. (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - If I had to teach a Parrot to say a thing I would take it to a cave and reduce the number of times I myself had to say the thing.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - It be a good idea to never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time again in this lifetime.  ( Alpha Phail )

 I FIGURE - I can think of at least 20 household products that should might say the words, 'Not for Nipples' somewhere on their packaging.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - You just can't trust dogs to watch your food for you.  ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - I never really had anything against someone who chose to smoke marijuana,,, unless I was behind them in line at Dunkin Donuts.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - When asked how many blondes it takes to change a light bulb the proper response ought to be, Blondes don't need to change light bulbs on account of them being used to operating in the dark.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.  ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - When my wife asks if I would prefer a dog or a cat that it really depends on what kinda wine she intends to serve with it.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE -  You only stick your hand in a meat grinder once.   (Joal the Troll)

I FIGURE -  The only time me and the wife ever truly engage in safe sex is after I have trimmed the old toenails.   (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - There is no better pet, nor more fun than a bag full-o-Ferrets.   (CDTrips)

Eggs give me gas, but  I FIGURE - lots of vermin eat them and I'm just as good as any vermin - wouldn't you say?     (HOWLER)

A wizened old man once asked me, "If you were standing in a pool of shit piled up to your neck, and someone threw a brick at your head, would you duck?" I FIGURE -  it depends on if they were aimin' for the front of my head or the back. I just might take a brick in the back of the head to avoid a face full of shit. I wonder how many scat enthusiasts will find this page for my having typed the words 'face full of shit'.       (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Of all the things I have never eaten I think the thing I most regret not having tasted would have to be Chinese woman. I recon that a half hour later I would just have to taste them again. I think my wife might secretly be Chinese cuz she is after me like clockwork - every half an hour.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That just cause there appears to be a sound method don't rule out the possibility that it shouldn't NOT be dismissed as madness.   (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - There are very few things to eat in this world that WOULD not be improved by the addition of a heavily buttered biscuit or two. Now I recon I know what you may be thinkin and the answer is yes, that'd be better too.   (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - You must be pretty repulsive if your dog shuts his eyes when he is a humpin your leg.   ( Iceman )

I FIGURE - I will do what ever the hell I want in my own house! And if my wife don't like it, well one of us can get the fuck out. Anybody know of a cheap apartment for rent.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Iffn Imma have to fight a guy on acounta he thinks I slept with his Girlie, then I'd prefer havin ta had slept with said Girlie.    ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - When they said everything tastes great on a ritz cracker, I don't reckon they took into account of Toe funk.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - When Ole Uncle Ted starts a talkin all his crap at table this year on Thanksgivin, Im'ma go straight to his jaw - then pass granny the mashed pertaters.    ( Squiggly Arconi )

I FIGURE - You can only safely drink thirty to forty glasses of beer in a day, no matter how rich you are.   ( Tressler )

I FIGURE - Whatever Jerri Falwell does behind closed doors with his Tinki Winki doll, is nobody's bidness.     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That right now is just a beautiful time to be alive. Our generation gets to reap all the benefits of global warming while our children and their children have to suffer for it.    ( spooge )

I FIGURE - That the reason prostitution is still legal in Vegas could be on account of it is rumored that 60% of the hookers there have HIV. They prolly consider it just another form of gambling. Pon further reflection, them better odds than at the Casino.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE -  It would be downright silly of me to try and please a typist via digital stimulation of the clitoris. I mean I can only type 20 words a minute - at best. 15 if you count mistakes - and women always count mistakes.     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That it is ultimatly wizer to clip your toenails before Thanksgiving dinner, on account of you cant reach them afterwards.     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - That given a choice betwixt the two words, I'll just call my fanny pack a purse and I will just be damned with the ridicule. I mean what the hell?     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE -  That if I ever found myself walking along a thing that was 10,000 times my own size, and then I realized that this thing I was walking on, was a living thing, I don't think that in a million, billion years, it would ever cross my mind to bite this thing. So, I ask ya, what the hell could spiders be thinkin?     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Child abuse is OK, as long as you borrow someone else's child. You should always abuse this child in front of your own children. This gives your child a good frame of reference. That way, when you say, "I'm gonna beat you black, and blue," Well, your child knows that you are actually capable of such a thing!     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - I really can't just go and pick a favorite food, on account of I woun'nt wanna hurt other food's feelins. Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum Food!     ( DiddumDaddum )

I FIGURE - That if I really had a happy place, and I ever found where it was, that there is a better than average chance that someone will have recently passed gas in there.     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - Leonardo D'Capprio will never have to buy another pair of underware as long as he lives. As long as he can console himself to wearing the abundance of frilly panties that I am sure little girls throw at him each day.      (HOWLER)

Whenever someone does or says something that makes me blow food or liquids thru my nose, I FIGURE - I might as well make sure whatever substance spews forth actually lands on that person.     (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - If there is a God then he/she must be on an extended vacation. Cuz every day I keep on NOT being hit by bolts of lightning.     (HOWLER)

No sooner than a childrens television star picks up a hand bag and Jerry Falwell is all over his semi purple ass. I FIGURE - Mr. Falwell is the one that's hiding some manner of latent homosexual tendencies. You go Jeri, you fight those demons.    (HOWLER)

I FIGURE - I might some day want to be in a horrible auto accident, on account of they could use those Jaws of life thingys to pry me from the wreckage. Then perhaps they might use those paddle thingys on me. Maybe the paramedic could shout something like, "Live Dammit! Live!" You know, on account of he want's I should live.      ( RIO )

I FIGURE - A really funny joke for NASA to play, would be to fly up into orbit and somehow, push a bunch of the planets out of alignment. Then they could all just sit back and laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes are not coming true.    ( Lane Smythe )

I FIGURE - There may or may not be a judgment day. I hope there is a one though cuz imma sit back and laugh as people get there just deserts. HA HA HA I will say, and then when ole Michael, The Arch Angel, looks my way I will tell him I was chuckling on account of something funny I remembered what Carrot Top once said. Of course I will be in trouble if he wants to know the joke, cuz no one remembers anything that carrot top once said. And even if they did, what is the odds that it mighta been something to chuckle at.     (HOWLER)

Well that's about all we have compiled for you thus far check back later for updates, and if you have a piece of original wisdom, please, be so good as to send it our way. Mayhaps we might post it here for you.

 

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