• Dont ever stop changing. I like you just the way your going to be. ( Chip Gatzert )
• Quit suckin on my third eye, ya leach!! ( MZChaos )
• We're having more fun than a teenage girl playing squat tag in an asparagus patch! ( WilTott )
• Well aint you just a kick in the Jimmys/Pooper/Danglers/Pants. ( FloydieFloyd )
• We have tasted the future, , , and it tastes like Chicken! ( Chip Gatzert )
• This party's almost over, , , and I'm going home - soon as I can find my panties!
• It takes a real son of a bitch to call their mom a son of a bitch! ( Zenmama )
• I have given birth to so many ideas, I got stretch marks on my brain! ( Chip Gatzert )
• Drugs are bad because they make you more creative than you really are. ( Lilly Tomlin )

OLDER STUFF

• Question: Where is (Blank)?

• Question: Have you ever seen a gerbils a eyes bug out?

  Answer: No, I usually got them facing the other way.

• This planet sucks and I'm not gonna come here anymore.
• Now that's chokin' your chicken afore it hatches.
• How did Hamilton Berger (on Perry Mason) keep his job with a conviction rate of zero?
• If I weren't such the tuff guy, I do believe I might pee myself!
• It is truly hot as balls outside today!
• I prefer to stay away from conversational topics concerning feminine hyjinx.
• Like a bridge over troubled water/sally struthers. Either one will work.
• Never insult people named Terry, because "dissin" Terry is no fun for anyone.
• Yes, that's nice honey, now why don't you be a sweetheart and go and try to find me something very shiny.
• I thot I had to poop but I guess I just forgot to let the cat out this morning.
• They call it a roach clip because the name potholder was taken.
• I have great taste in women, but the women I had taste in, had bad taste in men.
• Methinks he shit a dead possum with a gymsock in it's mouth.
• I'm not about to make a life long decision based solely on my poor taste in women
• My golden retriever is a real duck sicker."
• Your about the "Glass is half emptiest" person I know.
• I'm beginning to think Hoosiers are just Kentuckians who ran out of money on their way to Florida.
• She's an oven mitt 'o burnin' love.
• Santa's got a brand new bag... and wouldn't ya know it, that rash has cleared up.
• Always remember whatever misfortune should be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
• Honest your honor, I was jez heppin dat pig overn the fence.
• What's another word for Thesaurus.
• We're havin more fun than a couple of farm boys bumpin dust off a cows ass.
• Eggs give me gas, but lots of vermin eat them and I'm just as good as any vermin- wouldn't you say?
• If I asked you to blow me, would you pretend you didn't want to?
• Either my hemorrhoids are actin up or that damn gerbil bit me.
• Gastro Interitus does not impress the chicks.
• Someday the Devil himself will come to retrieve whatever hellish smelling thing he hid up your ass.
• Don't look at me like you're Queen for the day.
• I'm sending you a program, try and get with it.

Use these whenever possible

• That's gonna go over like:
• A turd in the punch bowl.
• a fart in church.
• Andrew Dice Clay at a feminist rally.
• poop stains on the Popes robe.